In Response to “A Letter to My Father’s Mistress” found on entitled “no one owes you anything: a letter from Harry Browne to his daughter”

“Everything you want in life has a price connected to it. There’s a price to pay if you want to make things better, a price to pay just for leaving things as they are, a price for everything.” — Harry Browne

During the darkest part of the night, who do you blame?
Do you know who Mr. Browne is? According to Wikipedia, Harry Browne (1933 – 2006) was a free-market libertarian writer and investment analyst who was the Presidential candidate of the United States Libertarian Party in 1996 and 2000. He was also Director of the American Liberty Foundation.
I don’t know what these characteristics translate into or even the kind of person Harry Browne was. I did, however, come across this letter he wrote at Christmas to his then nine-year old daughter. The letter was dated December 25, 1966.
I have shared Harry’s letter over the years with circles of friends and family. The responses have varied. Some have whole-heartedly agreed with Harry, yet some reacted with defensiveness, even contempt, not only for Mr. Browne, but toward me for sharing. Some felt the letter was cynical, harsh, even cruel. There were also those who thought that Harry’s words to his daughter offered them a new perspective on life.
For me, the letter was a great reminder of the expectations we attach to people, outcomes and situations, and the potential blame we assign when we don’t receive what we have desired.
Who is responsible for life’s outcomes? Who is responsible for our experiences?
Harry’s letter to his daughter:
It’s Christmas and I have the usual problem of deciding what to give you. I know you might enjoy many things — books, games, clothes.
But I’m very selfish. I want to give you something that will stay with you for more than a few months or years. I want to give you a gift that might remind you of me every Christmas.
If I could give you just one thing, I’d want it to be a simple truth that took me many years to learn. If you learn it now, it may enrich your life in hundreds of ways. And it may prevent you from facing many problems that have hurt people who have never learned it.
The truth is simply this: No one owes you anything.
How could such a simple statement be important? It may not seem so, but understanding it can bless your entire life.
No one owes you anything.
It means that no one else is living for you, my child. Because no one is you. Each person is living for himself; his own happiness is all he can ever personally feel.
When you realize that no one owes you happiness or anything else, you’ll be freed from expecting what isn’t likely to be.
It means no one has to love you. If someone loves you, it’s because there’s something special about you that gives him happiness. Find out what that something special is and try to make it stronger in you, so that you’ll be loved even more.
When people do things for you, it’s because they want to — because you, in some way, give them something meaningful that makes them want to please you, not because anyone owes you anything.
No one has to like you. If your friends want to be with you, it’s not out of duty. Find out what makes others happy so they’ll want to be near you.
No one has to respect you. Some people may even be unkind to you. But once you realize that people don’t have to be good to you, and may not be good to you, you’ll learn to avoid those who would harm you. For you don’t owe them anything either.
Living your Life
No one owes you anything.
You owe it to yourself to be the best person possible. Because if you are, others will want to be with you, want to provide you with the things you want in exchange for what you’re giving to them.
Some people will choose not to be with you for reasons that have nothing to do with you. When that happens, look elsewhere for the relationships you want. Don’t make someone else’s problem your problem.
Once you learn that you must earn the love and respect of others, you’ll never expect the impossible and you won’t be disappointed. Others don’t have to share their property with you, nor their feelings or thoughts.
If they do, it’s because you’ve earned these things. And you have every reason to be proud of the love you receive, your friends’ respect, the property you’ve earned. But don’t ever take them for granted. If you do, you could lose them. They’re not yours by right; you must always earn them.
My Experience
A great burden was lifted from my shoulders the day I realized that no one owes me anything. For so long as I’d thought there were things I was entitled to, I’d been wearing myself out —physically and emotionally — trying to collect them.
No one owes me moral conduct, respect, friendship, love, courtesy, or intelligence. And once I recognized that, all my relationships became far more satisfying. I’ve focused on being with people who want to do the things I want them to do.
That understanding has served me well with friends, business associates, lovers, sales prospects, and strangers. It constantly reminds me that I can get what I want only if I can enter the other person’s world. I must try to understand how he thinks, what he believes to be important, what he wants. Only then can I appeal to someone in ways that will bring me what I want.
And only then can I tell whether I really want to be involved with someone. And I can save the important relationships for those with whom I have the most in common.
It’s not easy to sum up in a few words what has taken me years to learn. But maybe if you re-read this gift each Christmas, the meaning will become a little clearer every year.
I hope so, for I want more than anything else for you to understand this simple truth that can set you free:
No one owes you anything.

9 Replies to “In Response to “A Letter to My Father’s Mistress” found on entitled “no one owes you anything: a letter from Harry Browne to his daughter””

  1. Having a positive outlook on life grants the self a sense of being adequate, we can not make people like us or be friends with us…when we use positiveness as a tool, the self attains strength on karmas shoulders reaching out to nirvana, we become much more calmer and our minds free of crudeness and negative racing thoughts.

    1. Positivity is the umbrella for all of its children like compassion, gratitude, charity, and the like. If one can choose the attitude of the day, one benefits a whole lot more in choosing optimism rather than pessimism.

  2. Hi, Pam! I think your piece is very enlightening and thought provoking. I also appreciate the comments as well. I would like to pose a question for some people who might struggle with staying positive; if you keep putting your best out there, believing no one owes you anything, how can you stay positive about yourself when you keep doing for so many others, but still those closest to you don’t think you’re special enough, they don’t go out of their way for you because they think you’re not worth it. How do you stay positive if you’re closest friends or family aren’t telling you you’re worth it? Thanks for reading and I love your blog!

    1. Laura, glad you like the blog and thank you for posing the important question many struggle with, which I resolve in terms of continual compassion. However, my first instinct is to say, “Who cares what others do?! My worth, the worth of my actions, is not valued by others.” But it’s so difficult not to resent others for their lack of acnowledgement, of enough gratitude. For me, compassion, gratitude and recognition of the oneness of everyone and everything, not in an abstract or spiritual way so much as a scientific understanding–one DNA structure–from trees to pandas to people with variances helps me practice an attitude that keeps me centered on the knowledge that what I do is enough, sufficient in itself so long as I follow my own inner dictates (assuming I am not insane, ;))

    2. ” How do you stay positive if you’re closest friends or family aren’t telling you are worth it” … Basically , you feel adequate and recognize that you are worth it… waiting for family and friends to compliment you on your worth is not a positive thought …therefore’ no one owes you anything’…. when you are being in a positive self, you then have a “secure” positive self.

  3. A tool or a system of resolution in such issues can be only a wish, I think. Resolving within oneself seems the only alternative. Knowing what is yours and getting it, making sure you’re not left empty handed at the end of the road. Similar to another part of your writing today. Putting yourself at the center, sexually or otherwise, is a healthy thing to do at a certain point in your life. If you don’t do it, no one else will. I think that is a basic truth that becomes evident when ones age begins with a 5.

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