In the gaze of the other

"My mistress' eyes are nothing…"

I need freelancing like a buzz saw to the brain: Ten for Today

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They’ve sucked me dry, the health pro start-ups and the holistic healthy lifestyle entrepreneur and the real estate investor coach and the legal multi-media start-up and the beta reader. They’ve all got a piece of me. My brain throbs in its swollen state.

I think I’m averaging about $1.00 an hour at this new avenue to freelancing–an agency. And while I’m stroking myself with the story of paying my dues and getting better at my craft and investing in future pay-offs, today it’s not so convincing.

I’ve never been a quick learner. A die-hard learner, yes, but not fast. I will plod on til the death, determined to get to the bones of some task, job or career. But it’s never a smooth-sailing entrance into something new. I learn by burn. There’s no other way for me. But once it’s inscribed in my flesh, I’m fluent. I know it.

Until then, it’s turn and burn and yearn. I want to get past this mistake after mistake stage. I hate mistakes. And maybe that’s why I struggle. Resistance. It’s like trying to mellow out in a yoga practice–incense burning and Dr. Dre on Pandora–while some ear-splitting air show decides to come to town just as the tree trimmer revs up the buzz saw. 

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